When great minds meet
As a native son, I know it doesn’t take much to get the average Alabaman excited. Double coupon day at Kroger will; the opening of a Super Wal-Mart; an Elvis sighting; a batch of Georgia lottery tickets smuggled in by a co-worker and sold at cost. But I was surprised by the reception Microsoft CEO Bill Gates got when he came to Alabama last week. You would have thought Oprah was on trial here for badmouthing grits, the way people behaved. One particularly impressed guy gushed, “I just shook hands with the richest man in the world! I may never wash my hand again!”
Mate, you need a hobby. Try aisle 5.
Maybe all the fuss was because Billy Bob Gates (his honorary Alabama name) came to Dixie to give away money, something we Alabamans will be lining up to see, especially if there’s a chance we could get a dollar or two. Gates donated $2.7 million to pay for computers and Internet access for Alabama public libraries in an effort to bring cyberspace to disadvantaged Alabama residents. A noble gesture, but I bet the underprivileged would have preferred cash.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but Bill Gates coughing up $2.7 million is the monetary equivalent of looking for change on my couch. Consider these numbers: Bill’s estimated worth is $48 billion. That’s a 48 and a bunch of zeros. On average, Bill earns $120 per second, $7,200 per minute, $432,000 per hour, $10,368,000 per day, $72,576,000 per week, $3.7 billion per year. Poor sap. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on him. Imagine what the IRS does to you every April 15th.
Bill and his entourage (which included his wife and three bodyguards specially trained to handle terrorist attacks) visited two Alabama libraries that received his donation: one in Selma and one in Demopolis. He then went to Montgomery for a meeting with our beloved Governor Fobio James. It was on the way to Montgomery that Bill met another great American: Delbert Lee Knox.
Delbert Lee, a second cousin on my father’s side, is considered by most in the family to be what my grandfather calls, “the one who fell out of the tree and didn’t land on his head,” which, loosely translated into semi-English coherent means: the boy did well. Delbert Lee is known around the world as “Delvis: The Elvis Impersonator’s Impersonator.” His impersonations of him from other impersonators are amazing! He is like Elvis to the third power. And you should watch him do the Elvis Stamp (young AND old versions). It is creepy!
That achievement alone is enough for Delbert Lee to sit at the head of the big-name table at every family function, but he has another claim to fame. He is also the mayor of Goober Falls, Alabama, a small hamlet along the highway to Demopolis. It was there that Delbert Lee met and spent several minutes with Bill Gates. I’m sure neither of them will ever be the same again. I spoke to Delbert Lee shortly after their impromptu meeting, and here’s what he had to say.
Tim Knox: So DL, what was it like shaking hands with the richest man in America?
Delbert Lee: It was something, TK! I may never wash my hand again.
HL: How did you end up in Goober Falls?
DL: I think you had too much sweet tea in Selma because you had to stop by Arnie’s Gas-n-Go to use the facilities. Arnie called me to say he was out there, so I asked him to hold the little boy in the bathroom until I could get there.
TK: You caught the richest man in America in a gas station bathroom? I was upset?
DL: Well, at first it was. Then Arnie gave her one of those pine air fresheners for her limo and all was forgiven.
TK: What was he like?
DL: Well, it wasn’t as tall as I thought it would be. And he had listed it as much older. I mean, Wal-Mart started almost forty years ago, you know.
TK: DL, you’re thinking of Sam Walton. The guy you met was Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft.
DL: (Pause) Bill Gates? Who the hell is Bill Gates?
TK: Have you ever heard of a little thing called the Internet, DL?
DL: Race that I have! Down here we get the X-Files off the satellite dish, you know?
TK: I have an idea, DL. Bill Gates wants to put the average Alabaman on the Internet and since there is no Alabaman more average than you, how about letting me test your Internet knowledge?
DL: I am your faithful hunting dog, HL. Fire when ready.
So I did a little test on Delbert Lee. I asked him to define the following terms. Your responses are in bold.
Bytes: What my dog Priscilla does when you pull her tail.
Megabytes: What you get when you eat Super Size the McNuggets at McDonald’s.
Megahertz: The world’s largest car rental company.
Monitor: One of those big lizards from Japan.
Keypad – Where Arnie hangs the bathroom key on the Gas-n-Go.
Scuzzy (SCSI): A woman of disrepute.
Hard drive: Any road trip involving my mother-in-law.
Modem: What I did to the weeds growing in my garden.
Hardware: My drawers when Lurleen doesn’t use fabric softener.
Software: That frilly underwear you see in the Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Mouse: Like a gopher rat, only smaller.
Mouse Pad: Where does that mouse live?
Online: where you are when you expect to get your cheese from the government.
Service Provider: A truck stop waitress.
RAM: My Dodge truck, for God’s sake.
ROM: Jimmy Buffet’s favorite drink. Goes well with Coke.
Random Access Memory: When I conveniently forget to tell Lurleen that I’ve been drinking with Arnie and the boys.
WWW: The international branch of the World Wrestling Federation.
Virus: Something that cannot be cured without penicillin or fungal medicine.
Reboot: What you have to do when you wear out the souls of your Dingos.
Microsoft: really fine toilet paper.
Geocities – A city where everyone drives a tiny little car.
URL: What Lurleen Chicken Fries In. Crisco is her favorite.
Closing Down: What happens when the vice squad storms the trailer park on Saturday night.
TK: Thank you, D.L. I’ll see you at the next meeting.
DL: No, HL, thanks. Thank you so much.
