How can my marriage survive the stress of everyday life?
In a world where a billion is a home, the stress of surviving life can become overwhelming. More than ever, couples need to know how to stay connected through whatever trials come their way.
I work with couples every week that are in full survival mode. It’s like they’re on a treadmill playing a game of ping pong. That plastic ball keeps coming at them from who knows what direction. They beat him up but he comes back. Meanwhile, they try to stay upright and run on the moving platform below them. Sounds like a pretty complicated situation, doesn’t it? Ok, now imagine two people doing the same action, staying connected and communicating.
What I described is the typical young family of today’s culture. Somewhere in the mix of dealing with things by hand, the marriage becomes disconnected, overwhelmed, and shut down.
“Stop the world, I want to get off” becomes the frequent cry for help. Surprisingly, stopping is the first step in driving back this ominous cloud of frenetic activity. Here are some steps that can help your marriage reconnect.
1). Be intentional. Nothing ever happens unless you program it on purpose. You’ve got everything else on your daily to-do list…everything from taking out the trash to putting food in the parakeet’s cage is on your to-do list…why not put your marriage on the list too ? Decide together that you are going to “meet” ten minutes a day to reconnect. This “meeting” has to be non-stop, so do it when the kids are in bed or before they get up. This could mean getting up 10 minutes earlier in the morning or going to bed 10 minutes later at night. Either way, this moment is one of the most valuable moments of the day, so make the sacrifice.
two). Have eye contact. Sit quietly. Take 10 deep breaths. Look into each other’s eyes. Do you remember when you first met how you probably sat and gazed longingly at each other? This is the same concept except shortened. Eye contact is a very important component of communication. Don’t let that person at work be the only one to look your partner in the eye.
3). Do you know that the average couple speaks meaningfully for only 20 minutes a week? Imagine if you spent 10 minutes a day gazing into each other’s eyes and having heart-to-heart communication. I would be three times more connected than the average couple in America! So during these 10 minutes of connection you talk about “heart issues”. These are some examples of “subjects of the heart”.
“How are you doing today? Are you feeling scared, overwhelmed, angry?”
“Where is your heart today? Can you tell me what you feel?”
“Help me understand how you are today. Tell me where you are in your heart.”
4). The rules of the game, as you can see above, mean that you will explore how your partner feel. This “heart issue” connection means talking about “f-stuff”…feelings! Arguing, trying to resolve past arguments, solving a problem or especially talking about finances is not allowed! You are only allowed to look into your partner’s eyes and find out what is going on in his heart. Do you feel alone, scared, overwhelmed?
Does it sound too cheesy or simple or just cheesy? Don’t hit it until you try it. I challenge you and your spouse to intentionally sit down and connect for ten minutes every day. You won’t believe what a difference it will make to help you survive the crazy ping pong wheel of life.
