Do you want a relationship, but are not emotionally available?
Do you think that you are totally available for a relationship and that you just haven’t met the right person? Or do you find yourself in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable or in love with you and you are convinced that you are available for the relationship?
Yvette, who is in that situation, wrote me the following:
“I am in love with a man, who is my friend, and who is not sexually attracted to me. His rejection in this sense causes me great pain and sadness. It’s very hard for me to let go of expectations and hopes that he can love me and want me in this particular way. I am afraid that these expectations and my pain could ruin this friendship. I would like to get rid of the expectations that he will fall in love with me, but I don’t know how. I would like to accept this situation as it is. I’m also terribly jealous if he shows interest in other girls.”
While I’m sure Yvette believes she’s available for a relationship, she most likely isn’t emotionally. If she were emotionally available, she wouldn’t continue to expect an emotionally unavailable man to fall for her. As long as he’s unavailable, it’s easy for her to believe that she’s in love with him. But chances are good that if he were available, she wouldn’t be ‘in love’ with him. The fact that she is ‘terribly jealous if he shows interest in other girls'” indicates that it is her hurt self who thinks she is in love, and the hurt self is incapable of love. Jealousy is not a part of love, because when we love someone, we want them to be happy, even if it is with another person.
When you are truly available, you don’t continue a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. However, if you are afraid of commitment and intimacy, then to protect yourself from your fears, you might become attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable. If you find yourself, time and time again, attracting unavailable people, you may want to question your own availability. You may want to deeply explore your fears of intimacy and commitment.
As painful as it is for Yvette to love someone who doesn’t love her, this is a ‘safe’ relationship, where she doesn’t have to face her deepest fears. Perhaps she is afraid of being swallowed up, of losing herself in a relationship, and clinging to a man who doesn’t want her sexually is a way of protecting herself against this fear. Perhaps she is afraid of rejection and she would rather deal with rejection that she knows about than risk rejection that is not predictable. Being ‘in love’ with someone who is emotionally unavailable and already rejecting her, she doesn’t need to deal with the uncertainty she might fear. Perhaps the pain she knows is preferable to her than the pain she fears, should an available man reject her.
If you think you haven’t met the right person, you may need to explore whether YOU are the right person! I have seen time and time again that when a person does their inner bonding work to develop their loving adult self and heal their fears of rejection and absorption, they begin to attract more available people.
As the Law of Attraction says, “Like attracts like,” so when you’re available, you’re much more likely to attract available people and lose interest in unavailable people. As I said before, an available person does not wait for an unavailable person to become available.
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