Turkey – Wattle Goozle – Got you under my chin
I woke up one morning and noticed something dangling under my chin. It was skin. It didn’t seem right, so I asked my mother about it. I was 9 years old. Mom told me it was just wonderful. I was not at all relieved. I looked up goozle in the dictionary and found this:
Goozle: The accumulated loose skin that hangs below the chin usually becomes prominent in men as they reach their mid to late forties, sometimes called a turkey neck.
I asked mom how to get rid of it. She just fired me and said it was normal. Normal! Say ah! That’s what they told Quasimodo when he asked about his hump, that’s what they told Frankenstein when he asked about the steel screws in his neck. Why don’t parents tell them the truth? You are a monster.
Now that I’m considerably older, my turkey acacia goozle hangs down to my waist. I am considering renting it as a storage unit or tent. There are some procedures that can help.
Botox: You think of Botox for little crow’s feet and mouth wrinkles, but I think I can get a doctor to apply it by the gallon and my goozle will return to its 9-year level. You should not take more than twelve injections in a 3-year period.
Ice: For a temporary shrink, just before prom, for example, place your goozle in an ice bucket for about an hour. Make sure you are home before midnight because when it happens, it happens quickly.
Surgery: A temple lift will help some, but there is a risk of ending up looking like the Joker if you overdo it. Better to just cut it off completely, tie up loose muscles or whatever lurking, and cover scars with industrial strength makeup.
Psychotherapy: learn to love yourself, goozle and all.
Costume: If you can, get a really big beard. If you can’t, wear a ruff collar. You can also dye your hair orange, which will draw attention away from your beards. They can be painted as army camouflage uniforms so no one will notice.
Or you can just accept that you are a monster and work in the movies. As a producer.
