You Complete Me – What Does That Really Mean?
“You complete me”. Tom Cruise’s famous statement to Renee Zellweger in the movie Jerry Maguire has “confused women.” according to Oprah.
I agree.
From my own personal experience and all the reading I’ve done about abuse, as well as the discussions and information I’ve been told, I think that statement is really abusive, and here’s why.
“You complete me” is not romantic, it’s controlling. How? Well, now that person has made you responsible for his feelings and his well-being. It is a form of manipulation.
I remember my ex telling me that he didn’t like me talking to a business associate of his, someone he had introduced me to who he thought would help my career.
“I know what you’re doing and I’m going to be watching you.”
Watching me do what? I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but suddenly I started to question myself and her feelings became more important than mine. I wanted to make sure he felt safe, secure, and loved in our relationship, so I limited any other relationships that might make him feel otherwise. Well, there really is no end to that… soon it wasn’t just business associates and co-workers, but friends, family, and students. Yes, even students. I remember one night I planned a dinner with one of my teenage students who was really struggling.
My ex and I had a huge fight over that dinner because he didn’t want me to go. He said that he couldn’t save her and that she needed me and that if he went then he was telling her that she was more important than him, blah blah blah. I can point out that he is an adult and she is a child. I still went because it was clearly the right thing to do, but I paid dearly for it. He made my life miserable for the next several months and he still brought it up, until the day we parted ways. Yes, no one in my life was safe from his insecurities and that’s why I isolated myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions. I allowed that manipulation to invade my life and erode my spirit. I allowed his voice to be stronger than mine. I believed and lived the affirmation “you complete me”. I was like so many other women who thought there was an element of love and romance to it. Somehow confusing control and abuse with love and care. Now, on the other hand, I see clearly that it was a form of control and manipulation. It wasn’t about love at all.
“You complete me” meant that I now had to live my life fulfilling him, feeding his needs and abandoning any self-care. There was not time; he was a full time job.
“You complete me.”
Really? Well, you wear me out.
It’s true, constantly having to worry about whether he felt secure in the relationship (that never ended because his insecurities ran so deep), whether I was doing something ‘wrong’ in his eyes, always second-guessing his moods, continually having that adjusting to their new set of rules… exhausted me. He was exhausted, chronically depressed, and emotionally drained. His support was control in disguise and his actions never matched his words. He lied regularly, but I still filled his cup instead of mine.
Finally, after years of this, years of trying to break free but always being too weak within myself to break away emotionally, I finally built up the strength to say…
“Do you complete me? Huh, that’s too bad, because I eliminate you.”
Are you sure you want to permanently delete this man? YES. And just like your folders on your computer, you now have so much more room to fill with good things, positive things, enriching things for you. You are free to fill your cup and now
“complete me”
That’s a much better line, don’t you think?
