I think that pirate just stole my iPod.
I’m going to venture here and say that when you woke up this morning, being kidnapped by pirates was probably not on your list of things to worry about. Don’t beat yourself up for this. Many Americans are blind to the threat pirates have caused and continue to cause to our National Security. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve read somewhere that only 1 in 100 Americans have adequate insurance coverage against pirate kidnapping, looting, and pillage.
I admit that for a time there I was unaware of the Pirate Plague that is sweeping the waters of the world. I thought all pirates wore eye patches, parrots on their shoulders and said things like “You’ll be walking that plank mate” while brandishing bloody cutlasses. I’ll also admit that I thought we as Americans were done with the whole pirate problem since Jefferson defeated the Barbary pirates in 1805. I had no idea we were still facing a pirate epidemic.
I won’t waste your time with actual events and statistics (if you want, you can Google “recent pirate attacks” and check out the 663,000 results yourself), but if you’re thinking of going out on the yacht for the weekend maybe you should reconsider. You may think there’s really nothing of value aboard your ship, but then again, you’re not some hungry pirate who hasn’t had a good meal since 1805 and would kill for a good GPS unit.
You may think your wife is getting a little fat in the media, but for a pack of crazed pirates who don’t have HBO, they’ve never heard of the Pussycat Dolls and haven’t seen a woman without flippers and flippers in about 15 years. , your wife looks like a tasty dish worth passing up.
Your kids may drive you crazy and they may be the reason you developed a dirty little prescription drug habit late in life, but to a rapidly shrinking crew of pirates, they represent free labor. Your daughter’s teenage tantrums are a small price to pay for cleaning the decks daily and cleaning the bilge every two weeks.
Just yesterday I was reading about a group of pirates who seized a ship full of Russian tanks off the coast of Somalia which, in the words of their spokesman, if attacked “would defend themselves until the last of us die.” Now, if the pirates are willing to sacrifice themselves for a few Russian tanks, which since the fall of the Soviet Union have been as difficult to control as the common cold, imagine the links they will go to in order to secure something of real value, like For example, your Girls Gone Wild: Wildest Party DVD Box Set or your prized pre-bald Britney CD collection. And I don’t even want to think about what they would do to you to get their hands on a couple of Hannah Montana tickets for your youngest daughter.
So what can you do to protect yourself and at least part of your family from these pirates? Well, for starters, I recommend staying out of the water. This includes oceans, rivers, ponds, lakes, swimming pools, wading pools, bathtubs, and really big potholes that collect rain. Just to be safe, I’d also avoid coming in contact with large cups.
I would also recommend starting a Pirate Watch program in your neighborhood. Each night, a different neighbor can be recruited to patrol the streets for any marauding pirates that might be venturing into your area. As a warning, I might suggest that you start this program after October 31st. The last thing your neighborhood needs is a bunch of frivolous lawsuits from parents who irresponsibly allowed their kids to dress up as pirates for Halloween and are now angry about the shooting they were subjected to in their subdivision.
I want to apologize if I have scared any of my readers today. That was not my intention, but I felt compelled to denounce this crisis and raise awareness among the American people. I just couldn’t bear it on my conscience if pirates captured you and your loved ones and I hadn’t done anything to warn you. But now that I’ve warned you about the balls in your court. You can take my advice or you can choose to ignore it entirely. I really don’t care, I have done my duty as a loyal American. However, if you choose to ignore my words of warning and venture out into the open sea, just remember this: when cleaning up parrot poop from the quarterdeck, be sure to keep an eye out for Russian tanks.
