I’m a trophy ex-wife, what about you?
So many people have asked me for advice on how to be a Trophy Wife that I felt like it was finally time to blog about it. Once I started taking notes and researching, I realized that I had more than one post; He had a complete miniseries. “Trophy wife” is too simplistic a term to apply to a young, attractive spouse married to an older, more successful spouse.
Personally, I am very offended to be grouped into whatever category Ashton Kutcher might be a part of.
So for the three who sought my advice and the rest of you who did not; I am present:
“Trophy Wife … The Series”
Part One: Exploring Subgenres of the Stereotype
Trophy Wife: The second, third, fourth, … to the infinite youngest and most attractive wife of a successful older man. Brands include, but are not limited to: large breasts, large wedding ring, even gold glitter, low body fat, no fine lines, voluminous amounts of hair, large and expensive purse. She often buys, eats, and fixes in packages. The diet consists of salad, vodka, and expensive bottled water.
Examples: Teresa, Senator Fred Thompson’s wife, Carla Bruni, anyone on a show called “The Real Housewives of …., Portia de Rossi, Posh, anyone married to Donald Trump.
Ex Trophy Wives: The Unfortunate Product of a High-Profile Divorce. This sad subgenre came out of nowhere and came back quickly after the divorce. Marks include: bitter expression, ability to make any expression, weight gain, bad hair, and anonymity. They are often caught drunken tabloids in the middle of the night to tell their side of the story. Diet: cheap vodka, antidepressants, and low-fat Pringles.
Examples (as if you could remember any of them): Marla Maples, Jerri Hall, all women married to Rod Stewart, anyone who is married to Liza Minelli.
Serial Trophy Wives: Who Says You Can’t Have Them All? These busy girls get married so much and so often that even they can’t remember who they are married to. Just call them all “Honey”, honey. They are usually kept beautiful as there is always a new dad around the corner to pay for the nice plastic surgeon. Characterized by multiple wedding rings, shelves of wedding albums, and a trade-in with Tiffany. Diet: good champagne and some wedding cake.
Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Joan Collins, Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe. I’m going to include Pamela Anderson here too even though she keeps coming and going with that syphilic looking tattooed guy.
The ex-wife of the trophy. This rare breed does best after divorce. All your hard-earned child support and alimony goes for one thing and one thing only. To make her look fabulous for her newer, sexier, and much more successful second husband. However, sometimes this little darling does it even better on her own rather than having to be a sweetheart for another ego maniac. The markings include: smug expression, a ring much bigger than the first time, a husband who can kick his first husband’s butt, a condescending tone when he has to call to remind him that he is behind on his child support again. Diet: Revenge served with a different twist.
Examples: Eleanor from Aquitaine, Ellen Barkin (get it girl!), Jessica Fisher (was Conseco), Gigi Levangie Grazer (love that initial wife!).
and bottom of the heap:
Wives who marry below themselves Trophy or Trash Trophy. These poor girls keep getting married serially on the social ladder. Brands include: tight expression, ever-changing hairstyle / color, declining bank account, and a series of positive press releases issued by your loyal but overworked publicist. Diet: Who can eat with paparazzi on their faces all the time?
Examples: Britney Spears, Lisa Marie Presley, Madonna, and Jennifer Lopez.
Trophy wives even have a patron saint. Ivana Trump had a nasty divorce in the late 1980s from Donald. But she emerged from it as a new woman, literally. Her cosmetic makeover spectacularly launched her into a society that had been willing to feel sorry for her. Instead, they praised her and came out of the divorce looking much better than she did during the marriage. Now, at the end of marriage number four, I am sure you are looking for a number five. Since there are an infinite number of greasy looking gigolos all over Europe, I am predicting a spring wedding. I heard that Christie Brinkley could be your honorable divorcee.
Join us later in the week for Part Two: “Pilates and the Art of Trophy Wife Maintenance”