• June 16, 2021

Dear Addiction, Letter from a Mother – Part 2

Dear addiction,

Much has changed since I last wrote …

Looking back on last year, I remember taking my son to rehab on that cold February morning. There is no preparation to leave your son or daughter in rehab. Parents drop off their kids at a friend’s house to sleep or camp, take them to their first day of first grade. I remember taking Eric to school 14 years ago. He had that “lump” in his throat. I could have cried out loud. Worried- Will it be okay? I couldn’t believe he was gone all day. Ready? What if he needed me?

Nothing can be compared to taking you to a hospital. I will never forget standing in the lobby of the rehab center. I listen to the therapist talking to my son. She nonchalantly asks what her drug of choice is. I hear him reply, “HEROIN.” She is unaffected hearing this. Heroin was a stranger to me, a death sentence. I had heard my son say this for the first time 5 days before, but this time it is louder. My head hurts, I feel like it’s going to explode. My whole body trembles, my eyes get wet …

I look at my son. He looks nervous, similar to how he looked that September morning years ago when I dropped him off at school. Except this aspect is more complex. His eyes are not wide open, excited to meet his new friends and teacher. He is not wearing a new outfit or new tennis shoes. They told him to wear comfortable clothes. But nonetheless, it seems somewhat relieved somehow. Relieved to know he belongs here …

My husband and I watched the therapist inspect his duffel bag. Looking for the obvious, no drugs or alcohol. But also no hairspray, mouthwash, cell phones, open cigarette packs. As she calmly explains to us my son’s stay in rehab, I want to shout: “You know what? He is different from all the other children who have come here, he understands, he is MY SON and it will be a success story” As if believe me … I look her straight in the eye as she talks, wondering “Are you a mother? Do you realize what this is doing to me? Do you mind that I haven’t slept in 5 days? Does she know what I know? How does it feel to be standing next to your son’s bed while he is detoxifying from a highly addictive drug? I saw him shake, it hurts from head to toe, he feels miserable. Who is this person? THIS IS NOT MY SON Tell me that someone is playing a horrible prank on me. Where is the hidden camera? Tell me this was a cruel test of a mother’s love. I passed with great success, right? NOW GIVE ME MY SON BACK …… .

Eleven months later, not only do I have my son back, I have a mature, confident, bright-eyed, happy young man who is determined to keep you out of his life, for TODAY, anyway … One day at a time. This has become my personal motto. This is not to say that I don’t care about the future or that I am being careless or irresponsible. What it means is that, for today, I will be the best person I can be. I will not judge others. I will love my husband and 3 beautiful children for who they are. I will love myself for who I am. I will remind myself that I am human, that I will make mistakes and hope to learn from them. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be stressed out about things that are out of my control. Trying to “fix” others and not knowing myself as well as I do today. So for that, I thank you. It’s not funny? A few years ago, I hated you, I despised you, I resented you for what you did to me as a child, how you made my brother seem nervous all the time, how you made my son unable to look anyone in the eye. Now I thank you. It is amazing what time and knowledge can do to a person. I am no longer trying to control others and I am taking care of myself, guilt free too!

Resentment is common for members of your family. It’s easy to get mad at you. You have caused many people a lot of pain and anguish. Holding onto anger only allows you to have POWER over my emotions. I won’t let you have that. Anger consumes too much energy. It is a distraction. I have found positive ways to use my energy. I took action; I found out about you, I’m a volunteer for The Alliance Against Drugs. Now I say HEROIN, with a certain indifference, just as the therapist did. I keep spreading the word about you and letting others know that there is hope and help. I will not keep quiet or keep you a secret. If I kept quiet, how could others learn from my experience? Isn’t that the purpose of life? Sharing our experiences, our knowledge with others so that they too can learn from them? Keeping quiet would send my son the wrong message. I would tell him that I am ashamed or ashamed of him. I don’t want to do that. A large part of the first year of recovery is spent getting rid of the shame and guilt for you. I have to let my son know that I forgive him too. You need a clean slate. I think we all do. I don’t want to add to your “negative mental baggage.” I want to help ease your burden of guilt. Forgiveness is really saying that you hurt me. Please don’t do it again. And, just because I’m forgiving you, it doesn’t mean I trust you. I’m afraid to give you a chance to do it again. Forgiving someone is fear of being vulnerable again.

I am on the road to recovery. It is a wonderful journey. Just as all trips can be bumpy or have detours along the way, mine is no different. My family is rebuilding our base. Taking control of my son was similar to a tornado hitting our house. The 5 of us were left standing, feeling alone, without a roof or walls to protect us. Each of us is putting brick by brick back in our home. Slowly but surely, we are dealing our way. There was more silence than you fight for your existence. The silence was difficult. You paralyzed me emotionally. You caught me off guard and as a mother my concern was to get my son the help he needed. I was in survival mode. This kept me busy, so busy that my daughters felt abandoned. Feeling this way generated hostility. Now I know how important it is to be forgiven. I have apologized for my emotional absence. It is very difficult when you apologize to someone and you are really sorry for something, but that is not enough or enough. I cannot change the past but I can learn from past behavior. Forgiving or letting go of pain is a process and will take time. I keep praying that my daughters forgive me soon. They are an extraordinary young woman with a big heart, so I wait patiently.

It is worth waiting a lifetime for these relationships to be forgiven … My children are the center of my heart, they are precious people. I am proud to be his mother. I’m so happy that I learned to accept them for who they are rather than what I thought they should be.

You are still present in my life, you always will be. But, now, you are a strong, positive force, a learning device, so to speak. Today I will keep trying to be the best person I can be. You are my inspiration to help others.

That’s it for now, I’ll be in touch.

PS: I think I’ll call that therapist and let her know that TODAY my son is a success story …….

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